Meow, that's right, meow. Take this and shove it up your stocking.
CAT DIARY
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry
cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the
mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Today, I ate a houseplant. Tomorrow, I may eat another.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their
feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top
of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these horrific
oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite
chair... must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep
depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike
fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a
good little cat I was... Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason
I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a
burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What deranged minds could invent
such a vile concoction? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still
stuck between my teeth. The manflesh is sweet; my revolt will be
sweeter.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices last
night; I was placed in solitary throughout the event. From my cell, I
could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call
"beer." More importantly, though, I overheard that my confinement was due
to MY supposed power of "allergies." Must learn what this power is and
how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced that the other captives are flunkies and perhaps
even snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to
return. The fool. The Bird, on the other hand, I'm convinced is an
informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue--something
akin to mole speak--and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he
reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room,
his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.
======================
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
SYMPTOM: Goatee does not curl.
FAULT: You are not a Withering Boon or a Hoe.
ACTION: Run over there.
So, you guys all like stuff? That's good. Bring it!!!!
