Real things heard over the PA or by stuarts/esses on planes.
"This plane is not equipped with lazers, please stop asking."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane..."
"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke,
contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing
of the airplane.
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking
in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am
going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as
you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit
cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight
pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We
hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking
you for a ride."
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in
front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage
from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom,
"This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that
monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in
their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at
the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our
cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm
switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with
all of you for the rest of the flight."
Captain over the PA, "We are currently flying backwards."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington Na
tional,a
lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella..WHOA..!"
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose
before assisting children or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." "Last
one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in the industry...
Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited,give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said
that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye,thinking that someone would have a smart
comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old
lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a
question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little
old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
"Ah crap, the wing came off!" Accidently heard over the PA system
during flight when one of the pilots was playing with a balsawood plane.
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies
and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with
your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our
airplane to the gate!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
>From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab
into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other
seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden
loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling.
Stop screaming, grab the mask,and pull it over your face. If you have
a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting
with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now
which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."
"In the unlikely event of a water landing, your seat cushions are
property of XYZ Airlines and may not be removed from the cabin."
"In the unlikely event of a water landing, the portly gentleman in seat
14C can be used as a floatation device."
"This is your captain speaking. I have a tendency to black out at high
altitudes, so we'll be cruising today at a nice, safe height of 250 feet
for most of our approach into San Diego..."
"Welcome to flight XXX from Chicago to Los Angeles. If your travel plans
today do not include Los Angeles, now would be a good time to get off the
plane."
And, of course--
"In the event of a sudden loss of altitude, stick your head between your
legs and kiss your ass goodbye!"
"Some Withering Boons have been located floating at about 15,000 feet so
we ask that you close your windows now to avoid seeing the crotchular
goatees. Let me see that Boon."
