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Mulu #10
February 17, 2000
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This is one of those ad things.
2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
And these beauties from the radio:
o Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.
o When you are thirsty, try 7-Up,the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.
o Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.
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Maybe it's a little blasphemous, but oh well. God is better that beer.
BEER VS. JESUS!
10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a Beer.
1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.
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That's Signs that Your Entire Life Has Been Televised
10. Black bars over your genitals whenever you take a shower.
9. Your phone number begins with 555.
8. Every Wednesday night, at 9:00 sharp, you encounter a problem that takes exactly half an hour to solve.
7. When making love, your "wife" insists on keeping her back to the dresser side of the room and keeps the covers up to her waist.
6. "The Truman Show" was surprisingly not in your area theater.
5. AOL phone lines are never busy when you sign on.
4. Vin Scully announced all of your little league games.
3. David Caruso keeps popping around.
2. A large light falls from the sky, crushing your amazingly well-trained Jack Russell terrier.
1. As a child, you were played by twins.
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That's all for today. Just so you all know, I will run out of material someday so you guys, please send me some stuff. Also I need something to read. I'm lonely *sniff, sniff*.
Mike Craytor
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©2000 Mike Craytor Enterprises, Ltd.
All information relatively true as of June 6, 2000.
